Nude by Christmas

38 years old, 102kg. One of those numbers is about to change.

Archive for the tag “funny”

Ping pong, pony rides and pool play

It’s hard not to look down your nose at the XXX Olympics. Yes, XXX. 30th Summer Games. But they’re not really using that moniker this time around. Usually the pompous inbreds at the IOC love to bandy around Roman numerals. Not this time. XXX is unwelcome by the uptight poms. I haven’t done it yet myself, but I suspect if you Google “XXX Olympics”, you’re going to see a different kind of javelin.

Last night I found myself watching a bow and arrow competition between a bunch of pretty girls that looked as though they would have settled for a Hello Kitty pencil case for winning, ahead of a gold medal. They had cute up-turned hats, pretty outfits, cracking smiles and dainty, flitty way of floating around their archery pitch. Field? Court? What is is that you arch on? The dreamy, lovely girls, in the glow of the London afternoon sun, seemed to be enjoying a winsome moment, without a quarrel or a quiver in sight. Except both.

I flicked a thousand or so channels up to find the grand-daughter of a queen, riding a pony through the wood in a royal park on the outskirts of the city. Thousands had gathered to cheer the blue-blood as she bolted around, jumping Lego houses and bails of hay, as quickly as she could. Sure, there is skill involved – but if a princess can do it, then surely, it’s just about having the spare time up your sleeve for practice (Royals have an extraordinary amount of spare time up their ruffled silk sleeves).

Across on channel 483 a couple of plump lads, straight from the pub, were smashing it out on the ping pong table. We used to have one in our garage, and would organise tournaments with all the kids in the neighbourhood over the summer holidays. One kid, from a couple of houses down, was particularly talent, and barely lost a game all summer. He could top spin, back spin, smash, lob – you name it. If only he had gone on with it, he could have found himself up against the best in the world, rallying for a gold medal at the XXX Olympics. If only. Instead he became an Oncologist. Fail.

The girls and guys that jump in the pool are fun to watch. Pretty, too. We used to jump off high things, like they do, into the river down near my old school. We’d climb a gum tree, shuffle out to the farthest limb, spin out a summersault or two (backwards, even, if you truly lost your grip), then plummet into the murky water below, holding your nose so you wouldn’t get meningitis. The big difference between us and the 14 year olds launching from the rafters of the London aquatic centre is… we tried to make a splash. As big as possible. If you didn’t make a splash, you were a miserable failure. If there were gold medals to be had back then, you’d stand no chance if you didn’t step out of the water with an arse as red as Ken Livingstone, or a belly flopped as much as Fosbury. Puh… no splash. Who do these divers think they are?

I can’t wait to see what’s on tonight.


I’m rooting for China

Australians would get it.

Blogging the Bleeding Obvious: a Hiker’s Revelation

I found myself a few hundred metres above sea level today, looking out over the ocean having climbed a rocky track from the shoreline to a lookout from which I was meant to spot whales. It was a good few kilometres walk from start to end – maybe six – and was over pretty rough terrain, rising and falling. It raised my heart-rate, and took a bit of balance. Best cardio ever? No, but great for the soul, not bad for the leg muscles, and a sight for sore eyes. The whole exercise-while-on-holidays thing is proving harder than I thought, but I figure if I can keep these sorts of outside activities on the go, I’m doing ok. I was even tempted to dive into the ocean, but it was that cold I think I would have soon found two lumps in my throat that seconds earlier would have been somewhere else on my body. Lower down.

As I climbed over hill and yonder dale, I got to thinking about some of the other blogs I’ve been reading on this journey, and yet another thing struck me (I am often struck). Some people just blog the bleeding obvious. Like I mean the inane. I came across this list this morning (I won’t be rude and publish it) that pretty much went:

1) When drinking water, be sure to hold the cup in your hand, and tip it into your mouth so as the liquid flows across your lips before continuing down your throat.
2) Carefully place the cup back on the bench, or table, to ensure there is no spillage from the cup.
3) Make sure you have turned the tap off once you’ve finished re-filling your glass, so as not to waste any water.

Ok, you get my point…

My initial question was: who writes this shit? Followed quickly thereafter by: who reads this shit? So i went back to the blog in question to discover that more than 2000 people follow this particular blog – and, worse still, 19 people had ‘liked’ this particular blog post. WTF?

The biggest barrier to me starting a blog has always been “but who cares what I have to say?” I now realise that doesn’t matter in the slightest. You see, this is about me. Not you. First and foremost, it’s my outlet. Secondly, it may be your inlet. May be. And I realised that too is where the water blogger was coming from.

Who am I to judge the water blogger? Who are you to judge me?

So, being the glass-half-full kind of guy I am, I’m just going to keep going. I just hope I get around to being a little more interesting than the water blogger.

I need a drink.

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